Just a night

Stop Raping Children
(insert picture that never happened, here. (sneaky protective rights))

Last night was a long night of feminist activism. I honestly thought that after 8.5 straight hours of work, 1.5 hrs of group and god knows how long at the talk I knew nothing about, I would be just about ready to shoot myself in the face. Little did I know about the energy that it would reestablish within me, the revitalization that I would suddenly feel about so many things I hold dear to my heart.

The aforementioned talk featured Angela Shelton, a charismatic filmmaker and aspiring comedienne, who sure did put all sorts of thoughts in my head. She is determined to change our society's outlook on domestic violence and you know, other happy issues like, child abuse, rape, sexual assault, pornography, sex trafficking, and the like. It was actually a pretty inspiring experience. Made you want to jump up and, after throwing up in your mouth a little bit, go hug all those abused women, men, and children.

You Are Athena

She used the goddess metaphor to bring up girls' self-esteem and rebuild their confidence. My first instinct, of course, was to snarl at that image... I mean, really? A goddess? I'm no Athena, that's for sure. But the more I thought about it, the more I loved that idea. Me - a goddess. I can be a Venus. I can do this. All I need now is a sword. A peace sword, of course.

Dark side of the moon

Friday was kind of a sad and lonely night. Sad and lonely, but also kind of peaceful. I didn't feel the same uneasiness that was lingering in my heart just last weekend. Things are always up and down and all around with me inside, always complicated and multidimensional. My feelings are so fragile too; one little thing can tip the scales from sunny to tempestuous. Much like Connecticut weather.

My moods are on my mind a lot. I mentally track and analyze them, trying to find patterns, explanations, any kind of insight, really. Girls, I guess, are funny like that. Not only do they feel all sorts of weird things at any given moment, they also actually want to think about those feelings subsequently. It always takes some sort of subconscious effort to keep things from exploding and on the positive side. Careful composure and the occasional self-talk help me stay in control, and I think day after day I get better at it.

P.S. On a completely unrelated note - I flipped to the Animal Channel only to find Natalie Portman taking part in a show for the protection of gorillas in Rwanda. Is there anything this girl can't/doesn't do? Seriously. She's so amazing and down-to-earth, prancing around the jungle in a simple sweatshirt, a ponytail, and no makeup at all. Also, these animals are literally making me cry. I am so much more likely to get emotional when seeing animals suffer as opposed to, say, humans. Maybe I should listen to Jeremy when he tells me that I should really go into working with animals... Only I am not ready to give up the sleepless nights, the tears, and the humiliation of the grad school application process. Clearly.

Also, enjoy Natalie is her young, green days (she's the one on the right out of the three background dancing girls)!

Начало

A few weeks ago, for the first time in my life, I said the Pledge of Allegiance. To the flag. Of the United States of America. I shook the judge's hand and, slightly ironically, joked with him about his own Russian ancestry. I got my hard-earned certificate, and then, finally, my new shiny American passport.

This is significant, of course, for several reasons. And not just because I can now count myself among the Bush-voting, Bible-quoting general population. I mean, fortunately, I can also count myself among the other compassionate and intellectual half. It is the weirdest thing, actually having a place to belong. Not that I like everything or agree with everything that happens between Connecticut and California, but sharing a nationality? It sure helps with relating to people all around you.

This subtle change is a hard concept for me to explain, or even to define in my head. Because, really? It's not like the judge's touch suddenly lobotomized my brain and made me want to dress up in gaudy patriotic gear for the 4th of July. I can't exactly tell you why I feel differently now. All I know is that I actually feel a part of something. This individual melting pot is brewing a unique multicultural stew. And believe me, it is damn good.

All this, however, comes at a slightly inopportune moment. Ever since I got back from St. Petersburg, I can't get over how much I miss it. Даже как-то русской речи не хватает. Хочется поговорить с кем-то или пописАть на родном языке. А вот и нЕскем. Вокруг русско-говорящих, увы, мало. I know, I even break out in foreign speech sometimes. However, it is clear that my life is here, at least for now, and the show must go on. And it always does.