What's with all the guilt

Even through my layers and layers of reason, confidence, and self-talk, I continuously feel guilty for:

- Television, pop culture consumption, complacency!, intellectual lethargy!!, BRAIN DETERIORATION DUE TO AMERICAN MEDIA. Yes, reading is great, and I do it, but it's not my fault I was abandoned as a child and now a turned-on TV makes me feel less lonely!

- Food, pasta, toast, toast with butter?!! and OMG that cupcake, endless comments from my mom about how I look in the pictures, in the clothes, what I eat, what I do, how much, why and why not?? I'm sorry I got your genes for these thighs and unlike you, I will not spend every second dieting. I want to respect how I was made and be proud for my beauty. Oh, and that skin toning solution you gave me for Christmas? Looks like you'll just have to endure the skin I was born with.

- Driving to work, not biking to work, not walking to work, not living closer to work, this awful unstable pseudo-winter weather, polar bears melting, baby seals DYING, THE WORLD ENDING!

- Suit, or rather a lack of suit, that is apparently the number one essential factor for grad school interviews and admission.

- Spending the bucks on a lunch burrito, spending the bucks on winter boots, drooling over that designer purse, ogling over that designer jewelry!, giving in to the vanity of our materialistic society!!, and the children in Africa and Siberian orphanages, they are DYING WITHOUT WATER!

And this is only the beginning of the kind of crazy that goes on inside my head. Analyze that!

Head against dashboard

Connecticut drivers quite literally turn me into a bad person. Road signs don't mean anything, and if you're only going 10 miles over the speed limit? Well, then you deserve to be swerved around in anger. If you follow even the slightest bit of on-road decorum, you get hateful honking and possibly even the finger. Do you really think the one second you may possibly save by cutting me off is worth putting my life in danger, ASSHOLE??!!

Sigh. See?

Smell the roses

Happy One Random Over-Hyped Saint's Day.

Historically, I've always been cynical and grumpy on this day regardless of relationship status. Something about the pressures of this greeting card holiday makes my little fragile head explode. Even though I don't expect diamonds, I do still kind of want something special. And let's face it. Guys are just not very good at grand gestures. It's a little bit of a catch 22 for my boyfriends, since I am very un-festive yet I still expect festivities. I don't know. I couldn't snap out of it throughout the entire day.

Anyway. I guess in the end, it worked out. I got a rose (yes, the one rose he could afford), a wine&bread&cheese picnic in bed, and some candles. Oh, and! A song! A self-written, self-composed, and self-performed personal song. I should really learn to count my blessings.

Tidbit

It is almost the middle of February, but it smells like the end of April: moist, humid, and unforgiving. The air temperature rose from subzero and frigid to 50 degrees and hailing in about 24 hours. The sky is spewing harsh rain continuously. All this water is mixing with the melting feet of snow that have accumulated during the frigid part and flooding the streets. People are jumping over cascading puddles, cars are splashing the sidewalks, and there is no clearing in sight of these overpowering clouds.

My umbrella is broken, my boots are broken, and I am wet as a dog.

How bad I am!!

Because I have fifteen minutes before I get to dash home from work. And because I'm a closet rock star at heart. Here's another fun gimmick I picked up from the vivid world of blogging.

The rules?
The CD Cover Meme group has only three rules: (1) The first article title on this random wiki page is the name of your band, (2) the last four words of the very last quote on this random quote page is the title of your album, and (3) the third picture here, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Et voila. This is what I get:


Apparently, Sven Birkerts is an American essayist with a Latvian ancestry. And the quote goes like this: "I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am." - Joseph Baretti. The photo is by Dena who actually has quite a cool gallery.

Interesting. Very interesting.

Super Tuesday

Today, for the first time ever, I voted. This is one of the awesome advantages of now being a US citizen, and it feels good to cast my two cents out there, rather than just fume from the sidelines as before. I figured next year in California my vote won't count for much, so this was my chance to let my voice be heard. With a race this close for the Democrats, it seemed just as important to choose the right forerunner. Not that it mattered all that much in the end; Obama won Connecticut anyway.

It's not that I dislike him. Clearly, any anomaly in the next election would be equally system-shattering, and I don't want another rich white guy to win. However, no matter how eloquent and inspirational his speeches sound, I just think he is too young and inexperienced to lead this enraged out-of-control country. It's a wild beast to tame, and it needs someone who has tamed wild beasts before. Sure, he doesn't have all the political baggage of Hillary, but to me, that also means he doesn't have the wisdom. Maybe he should wait a few elections; he's young, his time to shine will come.

Others worry about the powerful Bill-Hillary dynasty. But really, what's the worst that can come of it? We already know Bill is a smart leader; their partnership can only be beneficial in this critical time. And I mean, look at how cute they are:

Ultimately though, I think if Hillary wins, she will surely pick Obama to be her VP, and together, they would be an unbeatable revolutionary team. On the other hand, if Obama wins, Hillary would probably stay in the Senate, and we would lose out on the knowledge and experience of one great politician.

Hillary, you are my girl!

About a girl

One of those relationships described in 3 sentences ended up a la ASW:

Haiku-esque

Another interesting creative project: describing relationships in 3 sentences. I will probably keep adding to this; maybe when it's not several hours past my brain-resting time. Also, I gave in to my pathology, and tried to arrange these somewhat chronologically:

It was a helter-skelter relationship from the start. You told me how scared you were when the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat. Do you still care about that heartbeat even now?

You are in none of my yearbooks. You are in none of my routines. You are in all of my conversations.

We giggled in the backseat of the car as we shared punk music through one earphone. You had a mohawk and I painted my nails black. We were really just kids.

You were only trying to live an honest, though twisted, life. But the deceit, it only escalated. I hope you can still be happy.

It took us a while to finally have a meaningful interaction. I instantly loved your mind, your insight, and your passion. Really, I loved every little piece of you.

Trying that mushroom soup was a bold move, considering you only ate cereal and toast then. And learning that little bit of Russian to speak with my family: precious. Now you'll be part of the family.