Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

I have all these various dreams (and not just way-off-in-dreamland dreams, but dreams that could potentially somehow be accomplished) about my theoretical life and future, and they makes me feel rather anxious. The problem is that some of these dreams slightly (though not completely) contradict each other, or at least require me to maybe choose a certain track in life, like, now. Also, when I sit down with these dreams in my head and really think about them, I realize that maybe I am already on a certain track in life that renders some of these dreams unaccomplishable (though this could be changed). But still, that makes me really sad. Because there's only one life I get to experience and remember, and you know, I want to accomplish the things I want to accomplish, dammit. I am really kind of jealous of people who either don't have very many dreams and therefore are satisfied with life taking its course as it does, or people whose life takes the course of their dreams, or people who are just settled and happy wherever they are (which I guess may or may not be a combination of the first two).

As far as I can tell, so far, I have 3 really strong dreams. They may seem silly or over-the-top or just Wow, but, they're my dreams after all:

One. I would like to spend a few years at least living back in Russia. During this time I would help my grandparents take care of their apartment, generally keep them company, rekindle my Russian relationships and brush up on my Russian and cultural/social knowledge, and generally breathe in the Russian spirit. I would also learn about the status of psychology in Russia and work in an orphanage. That last one is really important; I've been thinking about it for a while. I would like to work in a Russian orphanage and I would also like to adopt a Russian child (more on that later). BAM, there I said it.

Two. I would also like to spend some time living in NYC. I want to acquaint myself with the city, and even with the immigrant Russian community there. I would like to do nonprofit work to help the city and I'm also interested in the fact that the UN is located there. The Russian orphanage and UN work might tie in together somehow. Also as large and scary as NYC seems to many Americans, its metropolitan internationalness might make for an easier acculturation transition for a Russian city kid. So yeah, there's that.

And last but not least, three. Eventually, probably much after all this bouncing around, I would like to live in a place that would allow me to have a sustainable source of food. That's maybe a confusing way of saying I would basically like to own a dairy cow (or a goat, which might be more plausible) for my milk, a sheep for my wool, a few chickens for my eggs, and a small vegetable/herb garden. Oh yeah, also throw in a few fruit trees and a horse for relaxing rides along the countryside. Yup!

Oh yeah, and somewhere in there, I will surely rescue an ex-racing greyhound.

So these are some of my favorite dreams. Now watch me accomplish them!

not the best or most finished piece of writing here, but i had to get it out one way or another

I know I usually get into a funk around this time a year, and it is maybe not completely fair to write right now, but. Here it is.

I am trying to understand this funk, the stuff that always kind of lingers throughout the year and then intensifies during the holidays. And again and again I come back to the fact that I live in a foreign world with foreign people according to foreign rules. I'm sure that's the root of the problem and the reason why I have unreasonable (though kind of reasonable) urges to move to Russia or England, or even anywhere would be fine because there I would just be foreign without having to pass for someone who is not.

Talking to my grandparents on Skype makes me sad because they are old and we all left them. I know they are managing, for now, but I also know that they are lonely and that they miss us. I have these dreams of going over there to live with them and of fixing up their apartment. (And it's not even like I would have to sacrifice my lifestyle to go live in some rural forgotten place. This is Saint Petersburg, for god's sake, and their apartment is in the center of town.) But how can I, when this plan requires money, and not only do I not have any, but I am thousands of dollars in debt to the Department of Education. I keep hoping and wishing to find some loophole in the direction which my future is taking. I keep hoping and wishing that this country, being the Land of Opportunity, will give me the opportunity to go back, somehow.

My mom is the only blood-related person I have in the US, but spending the holidays (or any extended time) with her is like eating a bowl of razorblades. I'm sorry, mom, but you know we just don't see eye to eye. It makes me sad, too, but unfortunately, I've learned to keep my distance.

So here I am, partaking in foreign (не родные) activities for the next two weeks, while faking being cheerful and sociable. Although, I could really use some spiked eggnog and a dose of sugar cookies right now (neither one of which is actually part of said activities).

some flowers

Most of the time out here, I'd miss New York. I'd miss the gloomy streets lined with ginormous steel and glass. I'd miss the worsening fall and winter weather, the hats, the boots, the umbrellas. California would just mock me with its glaring sun, bright houses, and forever blooming trees. It may be silly, but my heart would be heavy from the cheerful crowds of San Francisco.

Until I discovered this song:




Now this makes me forget any grudge I might've held against the city and put flowers in my hair. Yes, I know once I'm gone, I'll miss this unique hippie place.

life is a box of chocolates

Why hello there December, being more than halfway through and everything. And what happened to your friend, November?? I will never really understand. Oh and how am I, you ask? Well...

Actually, this semester really kicked my ass. It was very hard and I am still recovering. I feel silly, really, for feeling this exhausted; it's not like I birthed a baby (though, remember the parenting-grad school analogy?) or built myself a house from scratch or survived some terrible tragedy (not that tragedies can ever be un-terrible, but I guess the extra verbiage's supposed to add to the effect). All I did was move up to year 2 of my schooling; something every graduated student before me has also done, with grace. But I guess I also took on many projects in areas that I have never really dabbled into before. That part was hard.

I need to sit down one day and write about my experience this semester; how it ate me alive. And only left my feet. But it's kinda hard when this

is the scene on and around my keyboard and computer screen. Ella says hi.