rummaging for answers in the pages

So I realized the other day that I work more than two full-time jobs. I did the calculations and it actually hit me: my practicum is 20 hrs/week, which is a part-time job, on top of a full-time load of courses, on top of another part-time load of teaching and tutoring. The rest of the time is spent stressing about assignments, feeling pain for my clients' difficult lives, worrying about recruiting participants for my research project, and generally feeling inadequate in all of the tasks I'm undertaking. I've also done these calculations: there are 24 x 7 = 168 hours in a week, right? 168 total hrs - 80 hrs of work = 88 non-immediate-work hours - (5 hrs/night x 7 = 35 hrs of sleep per week) = 53 hrs / 7 = 7.5 hrs per day available, where 2-3 hrs/day are spent commuting, 1-2 hrs/day are spent eating, and the rest are spent feverishly scrambling. And that's my breakdown every day (including weekends) and every week (including holidays). All of this on half the sleep that I'd normally need, and 10x the coffee that I'd normally consume. I'm only writing this down, because, although I knew it was this way, I didn't know it was this way. And when I realized it, I finally went, Wow! No wonder I've been feeling so shitty!

I'm all about externalizing blame.

Here is a new word I learned today: alexithymia. It stems from Greek, meaning: a (without) + lexi (words) + thymia (emotions). Someone who exhibits alexithymia is someone who cannot put words to their emotions. Or, like, every man you know. This also made me wonder if someone named Alexis would be someone without words? Without a voice? Mute? And also, is someone named Alexanda, someone who is without the words of man (andros)? I'm sure baby books will tell you that they both have something to do with God or wisdom or power, but hey, I'm just deciphering Greek here.

Ok, now that I've spent 30 min writing nothing important to no one in particular, I better get on with it. On to my scheduled freakout, ahoy!

karma

Speaking of dog... we have a new four-legged member of the family who joined us a few weeks ago. We were testing her out for a little while to see how she'd do with our (spoiled only-child) cat. And well, they may not be best friends yet, but they're used to each other now, and we always supervise when they are together in a room. There's always that risk with any combination of animals, you know, and that's a scary thought. So far though, the dog just mostly wants to play with the cat, whereas the cat, naturally, wants to be left alone. Neither of them are particularly dominant or aggressive, so if Karma gets in Ella's face, there's usually a stern meow and maybe a clawless (our cat is not declawed, but she doesn't use her claws to hurt) swat. Otherwise, they just curl up peacefully on opposite sides of the floor or couch. And the cuteness melts my heart.

So yes, the dog's name is Karma (and not Dogma). She's 5 years old, so we figured, better leave the name as is. Besides, she better bring us good karma for the rest of the semester at least. Right? We got her from a local family who was trying to bypass the shelter and find a loving home for her directly. I.e. us (i.e., we fool people into viewing us as responsible adults, though loving, that we are)!

She came with the menacing label of "pitbull mix", and you know that whenever anyone hears that word they think:

Whereas in actuality she's more like:

She's friendly and loyal and peaceful and sweet. She's gentle in the way she interacts and plays. She's delicate in the way she curls up for a nap. In San Francisco, people have renamed pitbulls as Saint Francis terriers, and this new label fits them well. We promptly changed Karma's vet records to say "terrier/hound mix", because the stigma is simply unfair. Just look at this face:

no one mourns the wicked

Shoot guys, it's already March! Almost the middle of March, in fact, and when did that happen? I feel that this is how my life has been going lately: wondering what month it is, wondering what year it is?! And the next thing I'll know, there will be hospital bills and a eulogy! Things will be like this until at least the end of the semester in June, with every minute double-booked with meetings and assignments and clients and paperwork. This is hard for me, not because my back isn't strong enough to carry the weight (though it is getting tired), but because I resent missing out on life. I like living in the moment, and the moments around me are just so wonderful. It's a difficult balance, but I think I'm learning to appreciate whatever momentary glimpse of life I do experience. Like right now: the tree in our little garden outside the apartment window is bursting with white flowers, it's sunny out there, and birds periodically land on the bird-feeder. Sigh -- I want to take the dog to the marina park with a blanket and a book. I want to go back to the projects I started before this whirlwind of school and work happened. Maybe in June...

I have many thoughts (yes I do!) circulating in my head at all times. Thoughts I would like to write down, process, and discuss. I think I'll try writing mini-posts as often as I can, just to commemorate a few of the various things I'm learning and experiencing.

For example, things I've thought about recently:

* The term "opposite sex" is incorrect, misleading, and actually kind of offensive. We are not a dichotomy and we are not opposing. I wish there was a way to teach people to stop using it...
* The show "Lost" is going in a disappointing and misogynistic direction. I really liked the show at first, but now it's become a fight between territorial men over exotic land, with women and minorities as background sidekicks. Way to establish patriarchy on the island as on the "main land", white male screenplay writers.
* Women today refer to their pubic hair as "gross, dirty, and disgusting" (whereas most men really don't seem to mind, and probably actually prefer, it). Is it because younger women have watched too many episodes and the movie of Sex and the City (remember when it started out as empowering independent women and ended with oppressive comments about Miranda's bikini line)? Obviously I find hair on women just as natural and womanly as I find hair on men natural and manly, so I just don't understand this whole "brazilian" trend.

I could go on, but I know I am being the epitome of a feminist social researcher right now. But what can you do if this is what my brain is steeped in day-in and day-out? And actually, I like who this is shaping me to be (which I guess is a good thing, otherwise I would need to go to therapy (just kidding, I still need to go to therapy, as should we all)). But I promise my education and life are much more well-rounded, and hopefully there will be comments on all sorts of interesting and well-rounded things of note that I am thinking and feeling. For now, I'm off to analyze transcripts on the gender roles of Soviet women. Ha!